http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html Open adoption parenting and mindful living Wed, 08 Feb 2012 03:35:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26248 KarenO Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:33 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26248 I think I'm halfway between you and Tami. But I sure would like to be more like you! I sometimes say yes, jump in without thinking and then regret it later, and sometimes I do it your way.</></>In my opinion selfish is when you have no regard or sympathy for anyone else's needs, say no because it would be an inconvenience to you, or just because you don't feel like it. Having healthy boundaries acknowledges the fact that sometimes you have to think about yourself first, your and your families needs before putting someone else's first, and NOT feeling guilty about your decision.</></>Sounds like I need to strengthen my healthy boundaries some more :) I think I’m halfway between you and Tami. But I sure would like to be more like you! I sometimes say yes, jump in without thinking and then regret it later, and sometimes I do it your way.In my opinion selfish is when you have no regard or sympathy for anyone else’s needs, say no because it would be an inconvenience to you, or just because you don’t feel like it. Having healthy boundaries acknowledges the fact that sometimes you have to think about yourself first, your and your families needs before putting someone else’s first, and NOT feeling guilty about your decision.Sounds like I need to strengthen my healthy boundaries some more

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26253 KarenO Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:33 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26253 I think I'm halfway between you and Tami. But I sure would like to be more like you! I sometimes say yes, jump in without thinking and then regret it later, and sometimes I do it your way.</></>In my opinion selfish is when you have no regard or sympathy for anyone else's needs, say no because it would be an inconvenience to you, or just because you don't feel like it. Having healthy boundaries acknowledges the fact that sometimes you have to think about yourself first, your and your families needs before putting someone else's first, and NOT feeling guilty about your decision.</></>Sounds like I need to strengthen my healthy boundaries some more :) I think I’m halfway between you and Tami. But I sure would like to be more like you! I sometimes say yes, jump in without thinking and then regret it later, and sometimes I do it your way.In my opinion selfish is when you have no regard or sympathy for anyone else’s needs, say no because it would be an inconvenience to you, or just because you don’t feel like it. Having healthy boundaries acknowledges the fact that sometimes you have to think about yourself first, your and your families needs before putting someone else’s first, and NOT feeling guilty about your decision.Sounds like I need to strengthen my healthy boundaries some more

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26249 Lavender Luz Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:31 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26249 Debora -- so glad to see you here!</></>I agree with what you said about temperaments. And I think Tami would, too.</></>In fact, when she read the post, she just said that I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe someday when Gino is WALKING, she'll actually post her comments herself! There's a dare, Tami!</></>Yes, Furrow. I get what you mean. No one wants to turn someone into a doormat.</></>Kami, that's a good insight about marriage. In my house, they know, "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy!" Actually, it goes for each of us. Debora — so glad to see you here!I agree with what you said about temperaments. And I think Tami would, too.In fact, when she read the post, she just said that I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe someday when Gino is WALKING, she’ll actually post her comments herself! There’s a dare, Tami!Yes, Furrow. I get what you mean. No one wants to turn someone into a doormat.Kami, that’s a good insight about marriage. In my house, they know, “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!” Actually, it goes for each of us.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26254 Lavender Luz Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:31 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26254 Debora -- so glad to see you here!</></>I agree with what you said about temperaments. And I think Tami would, too.</></>In fact, when she read the post, she just said that I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe someday when Gino is WALKING, she'll actually post her comments herself! There's a dare, Tami!</></>Yes, Furrow. I get what you mean. No one wants to turn someone into a doormat.</></>Kami, that's a good insight about marriage. In my house, they know, "If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy!" Actually, it goes for each of us. Debora — so glad to see you here!I agree with what you said about temperaments. And I think Tami would, too.In fact, when she read the post, she just said that I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe someday when Gino is WALKING, she’ll actually post her comments herself! There’s a dare, Tami!Yes, Furrow. I get what you mean. No one wants to turn someone into a doormat.Kami, that’s a good insight about marriage. In my house, they know, “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!” Actually, it goes for each of us.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26250 Kami Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26250 I'm not sure how I am. I have certainly done the "Be right there" and figured it on the way. I think I have also thought, "You want me to drop everything for THAT?" I think I am more the former than the latter, but then I don't have kids either so I can drop everything without causing an inconvenience to others most of the time.</></>As for healthy boundaries - my husband could probably speak to that at length. He has been working on creating healthy boundaries for himself (from me - he is ok with others) for a couple of years now. Believe it or not, I can use a person up if they let me. As much as I don't like it when he tells me he needs some "Bradley Time" (What? Don't I get all your time? )I know he is better off when he does. And when he is better off, I am better off. I’m not sure how I am. I have certainly done the “Be right there” and figured it on the way. I think I have also thought, “You want me to drop everything for THAT?” I think I am more the former than the latter, but then I don’t have kids either so I can drop everything without causing an inconvenience to others most of the time.As for healthy boundaries – my husband could probably speak to that at length. He has been working on creating healthy boundaries for himself (from me – he is ok with others) for a couple of years now. Believe it or not, I can use a person up if they let me. As much as I don’t like it when he tells me he needs some “Bradley Time” (What? Don’t I get all your time? )I know he is better off when he does. And when he is better off, I am better off.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26251 Furrow Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26251 I'm definitely more like you, though I also sometimes feel guilty for it. </></>However, the other type of person can become a bit problematic when you know that they are going to disrupt their own lives to all sorts of degrees to help you out. It makes you think twice about asking them for help. I have a co-worker like that, and when something unusual arises, we're hesitant to tell her because of her tendency to immediately turn her own life upside down to fix the problem. In the long run, that can cause more problems than the original situation. I’m definitely more like you, though I also sometimes feel guilty for it. However, the other type of person can become a bit problematic when you know that they are going to disrupt their own lives to all sorts of degrees to help you out. It makes you think twice about asking them for help. I have a co-worker like that, and when something unusual arises, we’re hesitant to tell her because of her tendency to immediately turn her own life upside down to fix the problem. In the long run, that can cause more problems than the original situation.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26252 excavator Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26252 OK, that worked and so I'll go on.</></>I've faced the same dilemma, and have felt the same angst at not saying "be right there" and dropping everything. It would have taken an AWFUL lot to get me to interrupt a child's nap.</></>Is it selfish to see the cost to yourself when giving assistance? Is it selfish if the cost is too high--such as getting your family out of the restaurant--boy you'd have paid for that one (listening to the kids' protests, maybe they get insolent and you have to discipline them or Rob does and then you have the burden of knowing that from their point of view it is very unfair--the whole family atmosphere is different and difficult--that's what it could cost).</></>I'm sure that had Tami called you from the house immediately after Gino had fallen that you'd have dropped everything and been right there.</></>I suppose it's a matter of temperatment, or at least that's how I've tried to explain it to myself. When I contrast my hesitance with someone else's cheerful immediacy. My theory is that some temperments do allow a person to respond right away, and do it cheerfully--not a trace of resentment. Other temperaments can't help but count the cost.</></>Perhaps that's the difference between 'healthy boundaries' and readiness to help: if a person can jump to assistance without resentment, or without suffering from what it costs. (I would hesitate to say that someone who is in the 'responds immediately' camp has UNhealthy boundaries).</></>I do think that we live in a world where 'boundaries' are often lumped into the 'selfish' category. Particularly if someone has just experienced one of your boundaries (even when asserted respectfully) when they wanted something from you. I've wondered if a boundary is experienced as an implied criticism of someone else--at not being an exception. It's a very charged issue and I'm glad you brought it up.</></>Love you, Lori</>Debora OK, that worked and so I’ll go on.I’ve faced the same dilemma, and have felt the same angst at not saying “be right there” and dropping everything. It would have taken an AWFUL lot to get me to interrupt a child’s nap.Is it selfish to see the cost to yourself when giving assistance? Is it selfish if the cost is too high–such as getting your family out of the restaurant–boy you’d have paid for that one (listening to the kids’ protests, maybe they get insolent and you have to discipline them or Rob does and then you have the burden of knowing that from their point of view it is very unfair–the whole family atmosphere is different and difficult–that’s what it could cost).I’m sure that had Tami called you from the house immediately after Gino had fallen that you’d have dropped everything and been right there.I suppose it’s a matter of temperatment, or at least that’s how I’ve tried to explain it to myself. When I contrast my hesitance with someone else’s cheerful immediacy. My theory is that some temperments do allow a person to respond right away, and do it cheerfully–not a trace of resentment. Other temperaments can’t help but count the cost.Perhaps that’s the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and readiness to help: if a person can jump to assistance without resentment, or without suffering from what it costs. (I would hesitate to say that someone who is in the ‘responds immediately’ camp has UNhealthy boundaries).I do think that we live in a world where ‘boundaries’ are often lumped into the ‘selfish’ category. Particularly if someone has just experienced one of your boundaries (even when asserted respectfully) when they wanted something from you. I’ve wondered if a boundary is experienced as an implied criticism of someone else–at not being an exception. It’s a very charged issue and I’m glad you brought it up.Love you, LoriDebora

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26255 Kami Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26255 I'm not sure how I am. I have certainly done the "Be right there" and figured it on the way. I think I have also thought, "You want me to drop everything for THAT?" I think I am more the former than the latter, but then I don't have kids either so I can drop everything without causing an inconvenience to others most of the time.</></>As for healthy boundaries - my husband could probably speak to that at length. He has been working on creating healthy boundaries for himself (from me - he is ok with others) for a couple of years now. Believe it or not, I can use a person up if they let me. As much as I don't like it when he tells me he needs some "Bradley Time" (What? Don't I get all your time? )I know he is better off when he does. And when he is better off, I am better off. I’m not sure how I am. I have certainly done the “Be right there” and figured it on the way. I think I have also thought, “You want me to drop everything for THAT?” I think I am more the former than the latter, but then I don’t have kids either so I can drop everything without causing an inconvenience to others most of the time.As for healthy boundaries – my husband could probably speak to that at length. He has been working on creating healthy boundaries for himself (from me – he is ok with others) for a couple of years now. Believe it or not, I can use a person up if they let me. As much as I don’t like it when he tells me he needs some “Bradley Time” (What? Don’t I get all your time? )I know he is better off when he does. And when he is better off, I am better off.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26256 Furrow Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26256 I'm definitely more like you, though I also sometimes feel guilty for it. </></>However, the other type of person can become a bit problematic when you know that they are going to disrupt their own lives to all sorts of degrees to help you out. It makes you think twice about asking them for help. I have a co-worker like that, and when something unusual arises, we're hesitant to tell her because of her tendency to immediately turn her own life upside down to fix the problem. In the long run, that can cause more problems than the original situation. I’m definitely more like you, though I also sometimes feel guilty for it. However, the other type of person can become a bit problematic when you know that they are going to disrupt their own lives to all sorts of degrees to help you out. It makes you think twice about asking them for help. I have a co-worker like that, and when something unusual arises, we’re hesitant to tell her because of her tendency to immediately turn her own life upside down to fix the problem. In the long run, that can cause more problems than the original situation.

]]> http://writemindopenheart.com/2007/09/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble-2.html/comment-page-1#comment-26257 excavator Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:47:29 +0000 http://thisisbogus.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/when-you-find-yourself-in-times-of-trouble#comment-26257 OK, that worked and so I'll go on.</></>I've faced the same dilemma, and have felt the same angst at not saying "be right there" and dropping everything. It would have taken an AWFUL lot to get me to interrupt a child's nap.</></>Is it selfish to see the cost to yourself when giving assistance? Is it selfish if the cost is too high--such as getting your family out of the restaurant--boy you'd have paid for that one (listening to the kids' protests, maybe they get insolent and you have to discipline them or Rob does and then you have the burden of knowing that from their point of view it is very unfair--the whole family atmosphere is different and difficult--that's what it could cost).</></>I'm sure that had Tami called you from the house immediately after Gino had fallen that you'd have dropped everything and been right there.</></>I suppose it's a matter of temperatment, or at least that's how I've tried to explain it to myself. When I contrast my hesitance with someone else's cheerful immediacy. My theory is that some temperments do allow a person to respond right away, and do it cheerfully--not a trace of resentment. Other temperaments can't help but count the cost.</></>Perhaps that's the difference between 'healthy boundaries' and readiness to help: if a person can jump to assistance without resentment, or without suffering from what it costs. (I would hesitate to say that someone who is in the 'responds immediately' camp has UNhealthy boundaries).</></>I do think that we live in a world where 'boundaries' are often lumped into the 'selfish' category. Particularly if someone has just experienced one of your boundaries (even when asserted respectfully) when they wanted something from you. I've wondered if a boundary is experienced as an implied criticism of someone else--at not being an exception. It's a very charged issue and I'm glad you brought it up.</></>Love you, Lori</>Debora OK, that worked and so I’ll go on.I’ve faced the same dilemma, and have felt the same angst at not saying “be right there” and dropping everything. It would have taken an AWFUL lot to get me to interrupt a child’s nap.Is it selfish to see the cost to yourself when giving assistance? Is it selfish if the cost is too high–such as getting your family out of the restaurant–boy you’d have paid for that one (listening to the kids’ protests, maybe they get insolent and you have to discipline them or Rob does and then you have the burden of knowing that from their point of view it is very unfair–the whole family atmosphere is different and difficult–that’s what it could cost).I’m sure that had Tami called you from the house immediately after Gino had fallen that you’d have dropped everything and been right there.I suppose it’s a matter of temperatment, or at least that’s how I’ve tried to explain it to myself. When I contrast my hesitance with someone else’s cheerful immediacy. My theory is that some temperments do allow a person to respond right away, and do it cheerfully–not a trace of resentment. Other temperaments can’t help but count the cost.Perhaps that’s the difference between ‘healthy boundaries’ and readiness to help: if a person can jump to assistance without resentment, or without suffering from what it costs. (I would hesitate to say that someone who is in the ‘responds immediately’ camp has UNhealthy boundaries).I do think that we live in a world where ‘boundaries’ are often lumped into the ‘selfish’ category. Particularly if someone has just experienced one of your boundaries (even when asserted respectfully) when they wanted something from you. I’ve wondered if a boundary is experienced as an implied criticism of someone else–at not being an exception. It’s a very charged issue and I’m glad you brought it up.Love you, LoriDebora

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