Tessa and I are different in so many ways. I love to read (an introvert)…she loves to interact (extrovert). I can’t stand to have bare feet…she can’t stand to wear shoes. I like tidy and sorted…her room is post-Katrina-esque. She wakes up cheerful and eager…I, well, I don’t.
It was like two Golden Retrievers adopting a daschound, they were busy trying to understand why I wasn’t a Golden Retriever. They did their best to help me be a Golden Retriever, who can blame them? That is what they knew how to be. They didn’t know how to be a short legged long dog. They wanted to help me overcome my short legged long dogness, but were at a loss, and gave up.
Joy’s post is an important one for adoptive parents in understanding how an adopted child might feel. But I’m not sure what to do with this insight. In fact, I believe Joy is not saying I should or shouldn’t do anything as Tessa’s mom. She’s saying that this is simply what happens in adoption, when a child shares the biology of one tribe and the biography of another. Perhaps the best I can do is just to be aware.
So today I’m full of questions and musings. What is it like to have me as a mom? What is it like to be part of our family? Will Tessa one day feel as if she was forced into being something she’s just not? What can I do to prevent her from having lingering feelings of being trans-familied?
Ideas? Thoughts?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I think about this sort of thing all the time. I feel like I am adopting as we go through the DE cycle and I wonder (worry!) what it will be like to be a parent of a donor adopted child. So many people tell me that nurture is the key to someone’s personality, but I believe nature is the stronger contributer to who we are and how we behave.I don’t have any answers. I wish I did.
Great post… I read Joy’s comments often… I suggest you read more adoptee material. There is a wide range of literature out. One book is Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge (Paperback – Oct 12, 1999). There are a lot of things to learn about as you think of your adopted child. I’m delighted by what I read here… you seem insightful. I think you’ve pegged what Joy is probably saying.Online groups can also be helpful.
Good point, Furrow. Genetics throw curve balls, too.Thanks, Mark. I read that book shortly after my first child was born. While it was written from the perspective of the closed adoption experience, I think there are parts that apply as well to the open adoption experience.And I’ve learned so much from online groups. Hope to see you again.
I don’t know. In my family, we have a lot of similarities in terms of features and some little quirky things, but when it comes to interests and personality, I’m so different from my parents that I used to wonder if I’d come from Mars. You just never know how that sort of thing will work out.
I don’t know. In my family, we have a lot of similarities in terms of features and some little quirky things, but when it comes to interests and personality, I’m so different from my parents that I used to wonder if I’d come from Mars. You just never know how that sort of thing will work out.
I love your blog! We’re in the process of adopting and searching for a baby. I’m putting a link to your blog on mine. Thank you for sharing your beautiful experiences! – Cathryn
Cathryn recently said ..About Us: