Disembark here for the blogosphere book tour, the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. We’ve been reading Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.
1. Peggy struggles with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you if you are still trying to have a child?
We took a different route than many on this book tour. We turned right at ICSI and ended up in Adoption Land.
At one time, it WAS important to have Roger’s brilliant blue eyes, my long legs, our musicality and our love of books. But ultimately we came to the conclusion that our dreams had more to do with becoming parents than with becoming pregnant.
In Adoption School (part of our agency’s process), we had to write a good-bye letter to the biological child we’d never have — in order to make way for the child we WOULD have. What a tear-jerker of a day THAT was.
It can seem that adoption is a second choice. And that may be true until it actually happens. Even if I could go back and wave a magic pregnancy wand, I wouldn’t. My children were meant for me all along — I just didn’t know it at the time. I hope they one day feel the same.
And, by the way, we are passing on our love of books.
2. Peggy’s husband, Steven, says things to the effect of “Get over it,” and expresses the wish to return their marriage from the uni-dimensional land of Infertility. How typical were Steven’s responses to your own partner’s?
It was definitely easier for Roger to “get over it.” Biologically, men are more removed from the ebb and flow of fertility, the monthly reminders of failure. I liked Steven’s sensible yet sensitive approach with Peggy — it reminded me of Roger’s ability to empathize with me but not drown with me.
3. Orenstein struggles with the feeling that she “waited too long to start trying to conceive”. How does this compare to your feelings about the timing of your journey to parenthood?
Not an issue. I didn’t meet Roger until I was 31, and we married a year later. We wasted no time trying to begin a family, and after a year we moved overseas (a third world country) for two years. Coincidentally, we lived in the same apartment complex as a Lebanese, German-trained “embryologist.” Hence our pitstop in ICSI.
So no wasted time, unless you count the years it took to meet Roger. And I definitely don’t count those years as wasted.
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Hope you will come back for a visit! I serve cyber-Mojitos every Friday. And cyber-Advils every Saturday.
Want to check out more Waiting for Daisy questions? Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
It was really interesting to read your comments as someone on the other side, someone who has children. It gives me hope.I loved your statement, “And, by the way, we are passing on our love of books”. It’s probably almost as important to me that my kids love books as having them inherit my genes. Just have to get over that last bit and we’re away (sort of). I can’t imagine writing a goodbye letter to my biological child in a room full of people, I would be such a mess. I admire your courage.
Good review! I do tend to forget that some things can be passed along — interests and passions like reading.
I love how you had to go through Adoption School and write the letter to your biological child. I can’t imagine how painful that must have been but at the same time, it must have freed you so that you could approach the adoption in a new light.Great review
It’s probably a good thing that your adoption agency had you write the good-bye letter – I felt like Orenstein probably should have done something like that, because she clearly wasn’t ready to consider adoption the first time she had a serious possibility.To me, I found Steven’s remarks less than helpful. While I knew she needed to keep his emotional bearings, telling his wife to basically get over it may have contributed to part of their alienation during the process. Peggy certainly was not over it, and couldn’t really control her emotions, so she ended up hiding them from Steven. I think she could have used more empathy and support from him, and maybe their interactions would have been less harsh.
Oooh, wait, cyber mojitos? I’ve always wanted to try a mojito and always end up ordering something else. I’ll have to stop by for a pretend one.I think it’s brilliant to write that goodbye letter. And adoption isn’t second place in the same way that my husband isn’t in 16th place (or however many boyfriends came before him). He’s in first place. It just took time for us to come together and there were other twists and turns along the way.
The best way to pass along ones love of books and reading is to:1. Have the surname of “REED” lol2.Read, Read Read to them3.Let them see you reading and buying books for them and yourself.4. Any occasion always remember to include a book as a gift as well as a coveted toy. They grow out of the toy or lose interest, the books last forever and can be passed down.One of my very favorite books to read to my sons was “Charlotte’s Web”One of my happiest memories was when all 4 of the boys cuddled up on my king size bed and each of us had a special book and we all read silently, but together!Results, as they are all adults, is that they are all college graduates and one has a JD, an Attorney, one just accepted to Law School, one is a Public Relations manager for Bigelow Aerospace, one is in the stock market commodities. They all love to read!
Thanks for sharing! It is funny how men can so easily detach from the infertility issue at times. I’m guessing that they can from other aspects of child bearing/rearing too
Thanks for sharing! It is funny how men can so easily detach from the infertility issue at times. I’m guessing that they can from other aspects of child bearing/rearing too
“…to empathize with me but not drown with me.”This is a great line. I’ve noticed in our house we “take turns” to a certain extent. (I say a certain extent – mostly I hog the neediness.) It wouldn’t work if you were both falling apart at the same time, to the same degree.Bea
It’s really wonderful to hear so many different stories, journies and perspectives from people who’ve read the same book. I’m with you – ultimately what I want in life is to be able to pass on my love of reading to my children – who ever and wherever they are. Cheers!
You had a embryologist in your building? Sounds like a cool building.It’s good to get a perspective of someone who’s a few more years out of all the day-to-day stuff.
Deb…yes, especially the blogwout diapers!Millie…the doc called himself “embryologist” with such an air of self-importance — which we totally bought into. Otherwise, the apartment complex was quite pleasant.Ellen and Coffeegrl…yes, there’s quite a heated nature vs nurture debate in the adoption community.Pamela Jeanne an Kristen…thanks for saying that!Samantha…you’re right — there was a lot with and between Peggy and Stephen that went unprocessed.Town Criers…you have absolutely hit the nail on the head about adoption and ordinal choices. You deserve a mojito.Carlynn…only 1 of us read the letter out loud — each of us had a choice. You can’t imagine the release that took place that day.Bea…good point. Another reason why our moms taught us to share!Saundra…you have so much to be proud of!
Oh, it’s so nice to meet someone who has broken through and succeeded the way you have. Thanks for reminding me that there’s more than one way to achieve a happy family.