On this Fathers’ Day weekend, I’m thinking about two gentlemen in particular.
Our children have full access to their birthmothers. We feel it’s what is best for them. And besides, we like Crystal and Michele. A LOT.
The reasons we welcome Crystal and Michele in our lives:
- to alleviate the rumored Primal Wound of adoption
- to have access to medical information
- so that our children will never have to wonder
- so that our children will never have to search
- so that our children will never have to begin a relationship with someone who is both a stranger and yet intimately necessary to their lives.
All these reasons also stand for birthfathers, yet we have no contact with either.
Tessa’s birthfather is, according to Crystal, a wild card. He can be incredibly sweet and sensitive, or extremely manipulative and angry. Through the agency, we have invited him to introduce himself to us through letters, which could progress to telephone calls and maybe even visits, as his personality and intentions become clear. We have yet to get a response.
Reed’s birthfather is just absent. Michele let us know about two years ago that he wanted our email address, and we wait to hear from him. He has moved out of state and may not know how to begin a relationship with us.
Even though the idea of a birthfather is much more abstract than a birthmother, our children have begun to ask about the two male names we include in our nightly prayers. I ask that we soon have either faces to go with the names, or the guidance to answer the questions.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
You state:“so that our children will never have to begin a relationship with someone who is both a stranger and yet intimately necessary to their lives.”Bless you!!!!~diane (a birthmom in reunion, closed adoption)
I should comment on your most recent post, but this one struck me. My husband is adopted and, though he has never met his birthmother, he has (secretly) found her online. She has quite a web presence. But his birthfather is completely unknown. Now that we are expecting our first child, we can build something of a genetic map through my biological history and half of his, but the birthfather’s contribution is completely unknown. Fascinating, but also unnerving. Your children are lucky to have access to this part of their lives.Thanks for stopping by my blog.
I’m sure your children would like to meet their birth fathers to know these things too, but it must be hard for the birth fathers to step up and meet their children. With a birth mother, they already develop a relationship with their children while their pregnant, and of course with you as the adopting mother, but birth fathers do not. So I could see where it would seem a little scary to them. I hope they will decide to contact you soon.
I can’t help but wonder if I could be so selfless. I admire your strength and ability to be inclusive. Your children are fortunate to have such a generous mother and father raising them.
I am pretty sure you need an gmail invite. Shoot me an email to [email protected] and I will send you an invite!You amaze me by the way!!!
I just found your blog, which is why my comment is almost a year late. In 2001, we learned that one of our children’s (both are Korean) first fathers had died sometime during the 10 years our child had been with us. The importance of first fathers in our children’s lives became very real to me the day my husband and I had to explain his passing to our child.Fathers are very frequently relegated to the adoption hinterlands, and shouldn’t be. I’m glad you posted on this. Thank you.