I have a close family member who was very candid with his thoughts recently.
He was adopted through Catholic Charities in the 1960s. He says he has never wanted to search for his birthparents. He says his “real” parents are the ones who brought him up. He says once his biological mother decided to give him up she should lost all rights to think of him; likewise he doesn’t think of her.
Regarding our open adoptions, he fears that one day as a teenager, Tessa will find it too easy to blame normal teen angst on adoption. Further, with Crystal being so accessible, Tessa will play us against each other and the situation will be even more adversarial than it usually is during teen years.
Reed, he believes, should never think about his birthparents. We are his parents — no ifs, ands or buts. The birthparents might as well have never existed.
He says, “Adoptions are meant to be closed. What you guys are doing is freaky.”
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I am an adoptee. My own experience was a closed adoption. I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents were very honest with me about the fact that I was adopted. I always looked at it like I was always meant to be with these parents, I just got with then in a different way (adoption). Thankfully, we didn’t talk about it ad naseaum, and I was very secure. My adoptive parents are my PARENTS, period. I met my birth parents as an adult. They are fine people, but not mom and dad. I am grateful to my birthmom for giving me for adoption. She agrees. I have a friend with three adopted children, in an open environment. These kids have their birth parents shoved in their face constantly. They don’t know who they belong to or who they are. They are all in therapy and having tons of problems. Not a good situation. I know all situations are different, but I wanted to share these. I for one think adoption is wonderful. I’m for far fewer abortions and many more adoptions!!
I was unwed and pregnant at 19 with no job. The father of the baby was 16 at the time. I did not feel that I should make the child pay for my immature mistakes, and wanted him/her to have a better life than what I could offer at the time. It was not an easy decision to make……32 years later I still feel that the action taken was the right action. I don’t believe my birthchild wants to know me, and that is his prerogative which I totally respect. All I can hope is that his life is rich enough with his adoptive parents. I have left word with the Catholic Life Center who arranged the adoption that if he ever wants to contact me, it would be perfectly fine. I do love the child and always will. I don’t have to know him to do that!
hi
i am not an adoptee, but i would prefer an open adoption if possible for any children i am able to adopt. i don’t know that between open and closed one is necessarily better. it seems to me you just trade one set of potential problems for another set of potential problems. i think it depends on the family. i know for our family, i would want to keep a connection to the birth parents. i don’t see a contradiction between being our child’s full parents, and keeping a connection to someone that gave them (and me!) a special gift. but that is just us.lotsa love
Lea Bee, I agree with your points. Each family has to navigate it’s own path. Openness and connection seem to be working well for us — I only hope my kids will one day agree.And good luck with the start of school!avant-garde, I love your last line. Love does transcend time and space, doesn’t it? I’ll be looking at firstmother perspectives more in the coming weeks, so keep checking in. I welcome your viewpoint.
We’re discussing adoption. I can’t imagine being as comfortable and secure as you are with open adoption. Conversely, I have closed adoptions on my side of the family and have witnessed firsthand some of it’s drawbacks. You’ve got a lot of material to dig through. I’m reading my way through it all.